Subtle changes

It feels a little chillier today.

A thick layer of leaves fell last night, dead and brown.

The light's a little different in the afternoon.

Bone grates along bone when I walk.

It has nothing to do with the weather.

But it feels a little chillier today.

A life entered my life. It couldn't stay.

I blinked and it had gone away again.

The light's a little different in the afternoon.

Blood is heavier in the veins.

Heart is working harder, but brittle in my chest.

It feels a little chillier today.

Moon follows moon with irregular regularity.

Cycle follows cycle in an excess of pain.

And in the afternoon, the light's a little different.

Last night the dead leaves fell.

My body creaks itself awake, observing

that it feels a little chillier today.

The light will slant differently this afternoon.

Is it the Pandemic? Or is it not?

It's been a rough week or two.

Or three.

2020 notwithstanding.

But the thoughts are so familiar--and yet so different--that I'm not sure if this is just me, the same dissatisfaction replayed in a slightly different key, or if this is the pandemic.

2020 has not been kind to me overall. In early January, I was unexpectedly pregnant--just shy of my 43rd birthday. About a week after my 43rd birthday, I was unexpectedly no longer pregnant. The same day the miscarriage started, we had, earlier in the day, found out that a skin biopsy for my husband had come back as cancerous. In February, he had it removed in an outpatient situation, and all is well with that, but I was shaken. In the next two months, I had an ultrasound on my leg for a nonexistent blood clot and a mammogram for a--well, actually, a strange little breast abnormality that no one knows what to do with--because I was certain that my body was trying to kill me. I mean, why not? It killed my baby. My husband's was trying to kill him...

And then came March.

Besides the crippling fear of horrific death, the lockdowns and quarantines were really not so bad. Of course, we're in Texas, in a suburban setting with no city, and the lockdown wasn't really a lockdown. I enjoyed not going to the office. I still enjoy not going to the office. School drama mostly dried up for the kids. The end of the school year was easy-peasy. There were no functions to rush off to. There were no decisions to make about where to eat out because the restaurants were closed, and why would I want their plague-infested food anyway? (I know--food is not a source of contagion. But it's part of how I stay in control of my situation.) Stores were offering curbside, so while I did have to spend some time on their websites, I didn't have to spend hours in the grocery stores. I still don't. It's lovely. I felt guilty at first, but hey--people used to have groceries and milk delivered in the early 20th C. And ice. Now, there were things that we couldn't get. And it felt austere--like we shouldn't have luxuries. I got over this eventually. 

We took up new hobbies. I began to crochet. I had tried once before with limited success, but between Ravelry.com, this pattern for mandalas, and amigurumi from StringyDingDing, and the fact that focusing on the stitches and the pretty colors made me stop thinking about imminent death, I have gotten rather good. And so has daughter #2.

I wrote the bulk of a book chapter that I was rather dreading. Then I ran out of steam. I guess it was working for two weeks straight with some intensity? Or perhaps it was asking for help with something and opening myself up to "you must include this person's research and these details or seem sloppy and amateurish"? Or simple burnout because you-know-what-I-never-liked-the-Histories-of-Middle-earth-anyway-Tolkien-wrote-some-perfectly-nice-books-that-he-published-while-still-alive-can-we-please-talk-about-those? I wrote to my publisher and let them know that I would need more time. January had already derailed my plans to have a complete manuscript by August. They are content to follow my lead, which I've learned is something that (some?) publishers do. They have other books to publish. Your delay is not the center of their universe. I can say this; I work for one.

Staying home with the kids--with the family--has been a breeze. First, we have a wonderful home for the first time--oh, ever. We have lots of space for all of us and all of our things. This we owe to chance, and my husband's talent for getting to know people. A friend that he met at work and helped through a job transition happened to be moving, but didn't want to sell his house. He also wanted to give his old neighbors some good new neighbors, and he wasn't looking to make a profit. In the space of a conversation, we had a new home.

The other thing is, that while people rely on activities and travel, this "new normal" feels like how I grew up. The kids and I played in the blow up pool. We played video games. Went for walks. Did crafts. Read. It just felt like life as it used to be. No pressure to be or do anything in particular. I wasn't a failure for not enrolling them in camps or lessons or activities. Wasn't letting anyone down because they were just hanging out at home. Wasn't going to have to compare our lack of travel to everyone else's travel. And conferences were cancelled, so I didn't have to worry about whether I wanted to travel, or dealing with being left behind while my husband was traveling.

And that's another thing that was nice. For a while, it felt like he and I were on the same footing, negotiating working from home. And that's where the real low points crept back in.

Because eventually, he had to go back to work on site, part-time. I haven't yet, which suits me fine. But that was a road bump, because I was simply scared. Of him being out in the world. I have had time to get used to it. And in general, I like how things are being done by his boss. She doesn't really want to open to the public. But boundaries are being pushed. So I can refuse a lunch invitation to rub elbows with someone, but he assumes that he can't turn down similar kinds of offers. He did, over the weekend, but more because of the weekend than because of wariness and risk. And because I'm dealing with prospective authors, and not as a person of importance, and he is dealing with big money donors as a charismatic charmer, his situation is different? Having either of us beholden to people with money was not my vision for our lives and careers.

But what was my vision for our careers? It has fallen apart. Working closely allows me to see him coaching others in their career development, often using skills that I taught him for tailoring job materials to the mission and vision of the organization. To see him being the expert that he has become in the years of working this job, and because he absorbs knowledge, and to know that I will never be regarded as an expert in anything, despite my Ph.D. That was a low week, too.

I have had ups and downs with my own job. I have a supervisor who refuses to supervise and then evaluates my performance based on things that she had in her head as standards that she never communicated. She refuses to check in with me monthly just to talk about how I'm doing, because that situation encourages people to hold their problems until a scheduled meeting? I worked in human resources, and this is not sound, but she is inexperienced and stubborn and will not listen. I am left to do clerical tasks while the department I'm in struggles to write material for a deadline--or a week after a deadline--or going on two weeks after a deadline. Last week I told someone in another department that if someone passed along the tidbit that I am literate, that perhaps I could help get that writing done by the deadline. As a result, I've had some people compliment my "fine writing style" and praise my editing of documents for style. This is good because it's more feedback than I had before--for all I knew I could have been targeting the wrong things and irritating people, and no one would give me any feedback!! But it's also really annoying because they know my credentials. They have seen my resume. And if they wanted to know if I could write, there are a million examples I could have shown them. Or, they might have let me do it. 

As a result of my snarky comment, this week is a bit better. But last week, I was so low. I found myself continually dismissed as if I simply didn't know what I was talking about. And worse--I found myself, on my own, just questioning whether I even know anything any more. I don't know if I could teach literature and writing because I just don't know if I know what I used to. I don't seem to have the drive to write that I used to have. I am wondering... and wondering... and wondering... what the point of writing a book even is. And this does come from working with a publisher, because there are many demoralizing offhand comments about "well, no one except X is going to read this anyway." Author beware! These people are jaded because they are only looking at sales numbers, and individual books just don't sell very well.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I should be on top of my game, not waiting for crumbs to be thrown to me because I can rearrange a sentence. I should be advancing in a career, not listening to my husband coach people to the next level of their academic careers. I should be the go-to person for some of the things I'm supposed to know, respected for knowing what I do, and having ideas, and being able to help people develop their ideas. But I'm not.

And then there's the part of me that just wants to stay home. Because my daughters are enjoying online school this year--not through the local district, because that would be a train wreck, but through a public online school that has been around for about 10 years and doing well. I don't want to go back to work on site in a job that is going nowhere, in which I struggle to make people realize my usefulness and ability beyond the narrowly defined box I find myself in. A job in which there is no place for me to go, really, because none of their pre-defined roles suit me. But that I took because I thought it had possibilities and because I would be working with books.

I am fine today.

I may be fine tomorrow.

Editing their catalog and jacket copy so that we don't sound like a bunch of idiots on the back of our books was, indeed, satisfying, and seemed to get my brain working in a way that I could recognize again.

But oh, last week. I didn't even feel smart. Most of the time I'm simply frustrated because I can't prove to others that I'm smart and capable. Last week I didn't feel like I could prove it to myself. 

So I ask you.... is this the pandemic? Or is this just... me? Atrophying?

I wonder...

What Counts as 'Creative'?

Today, what counts as creative is blogging.

Yesterday, that question bothered me a bit, as I found that I was putting pressure on myself to do that one. creative. thing. I don't do well with artificial pressure. I wanted to draw another view of "working at home," but it just wasn't working for me. For days I had been having a cut-out dress from last year on my cutting board... but that really wasn't happening, so I packed it up. That was liberating, actually. And then I sat back and read In this House of Brede and didn't worry too much about it.

Today, I discovered the answer.

Most of the day yesterday, I was fretting about food. I guess I realistically bought enough for two weeks.  Problem was, we ate it over two weeks. Because we haven't been going to restaurants. I believe we have eaten out twice in the past three weeks--pizza and hamburgers. The way I see it, the fewer people handling my food right now, the better. But supplies have been dwindling, and even though I ordered "curbside pick up" on Sunday, the first available pick up time was Thursday.**  So after the kids finished off the bread for lunch yesterday, I was stressing about it a bit. I have some beef in the freezer (long story), which is an unusual luxury, but I knew I had not taken it out to thaw soon enough. (It's probably better, since when I opened the vacuum-sealed bags tonight, one smelled strongly of bread. NOT the smell I expect from beef.) I had some chicken and flour, however, so I made chicken with a thick "soup" and made dumplings (or "clouds," as my family fondly called them!--just biscuit dough, but tasty). We didn't have peas or carrots, so we had some frozen broccoli on the side (or in it for those who wanted, which was delicious!). I realize that, although I had ceased to think of it as "creative" unless it was also "fun," cooking is a creative act, and has, in fact, been taking up more of my energy (creative or otherwise) than I'm used to. So I feel somewhat more justified in not jumping in to arts and crafts. After all, I'm also making sure we get our exercise, and trying to earn some portion of my paycheck as well, which has its own challenges.

This may not seem like much of a revelation. I know I knew this at one time. But being utilitarian does not mean that an act is not creative. I can't even make that seem less obvious by verbal artistry. There it is.

To return to reading, I have, I admit, been tempted to put aside Brede. It doesn't move quickly. Reading it is itself a journey and a contemplation. This is the point--the point of my Lenten reading, and the point of the book, I have no doubt. But books that feel like a plodding journey (thinking also of a very different novel--Gaiman's American Gods) do not end up being my favorites. I favor a bit more stimulation. But it is compelling, and though I'm not reading much at a time, I am continuing to read. I just learned that the main character Philippa is about my age, having been married, lost a son, and achieved a high level of success in her career before embarking on her religious vocation. This strikes me in a couple of different ways. However it was presented in the passage I read last night, it occurred to me that (contrary to my desires and expectations) I would not ever achieve that kind of career success--something that hit me hard recently when I learned that now my husband and my very dear friend had achieved the title of "Associate Professor," which I will now never achieve. (I am very proud of them both, and this in no way affects my happiness for them.) But I realize also that I do not have that same emptiness in my life that Philippa had before her vocation. Meaning, I guess, that somewhere in this daily mess, I in fact have my vocation.  Food for thought.

______

**This morning, I decided to check SAM's club to see if they were delivering locally, and they are partnering with Instacart to deliver. My first "within 5 hour" delivery was here before lunch! That took a lot of the food pressure away. Yay!

One Creative Thing a Day?

When I was out of work, I would try to make myself do at least one "productive" thing a day. I have a comic I drew at the time that illustrates the dilemma I often fell into... what constitutes a "productive" thing?

It's perhaps easier to identify a creative thing. So as I sit trying to make myself sew the dress I cut out last year, or trying to decide if I should start a new project, or trying to think of three things to blog, or to take up one of the many challenges floating around, I think I will open things up for myself a bit. Just one creative thing a day. Today, I chose day 1 of Simcha Fisher's Withdraw2020 Daily Art Challenge: Home.  This is one version of what "working at home" looks like!

#withdraw2020

Just Three Things - Working from Home Day 4

No, you haven't missed posts 1-3! I am just joining the crowd online counting the days of self-isolation or quarantine, though we're still more "social distancing" than anything.

I've been struggling recently, not only with writing, but with all things creative. I was released from my academic employment (non tenure track) in May 2018, and from then until April 2019, I was unemployed. It was not a great time for me, but in order to cope, I drew out all of my creative abilities--I drew, I sewed... I even wrote (but not creatively, and mostly to meet a deadline, if memory serves).  I invented a comic that dried up as soon as I was rehired, but which I was very proud of, and posted some samples here.

It all dried up, except for very small bursts, when I was working again. And given that I have an actual book contract (!!), I really need to find some motivation.

So here is an idea that I got from Melanie at Wine Dark Sea, who traces her inspiration (or exercise) to Melissa Wiley: Tell Me Three Things. Mine is "Just Three Things" so that it doesn't sound too ambitious to anyone--including myself!

***

One.

I have still been reading for Lent, but I have not posted. I am reading In This House of Brede and it is a much more Modern (in the 20th C literary sense) novel than I would have expected--meaning that in the literary sense. While it is not Modernist, per se, it moves through characters' consciousness in a way that is distinct in early 20th C literature, and while it is not experimental, it is not exactly linear. It is interesting and challenging, and I have not had a real structurally challenging novel in a while.

I particularly like the... is it a Preface or a Prologue? I am working for a publisher now, so I need to learn these parts of books, but this is a distinction that I've never internalized. Anyway, Rumer Godden's account of becoming acquainted with the Benedictine nuns who would become the source and model for two of her novels (not Black Narcissus) when her sister was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy was fascinating and lovely.

Two.

Did you know that when the weather grows warm, broccoli and broccolini, summer crops, grow faster than you can harvest them, and produce yellow flowers? My current "work-at-home" space overlooks my backyard, where the owners and former residents (for 17 years) set up a number of garden beds, and where we decided to plant some winter crops. We planted chard, leaf lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli, and broccolini--though the only difference I could see between broccoli and broccolini was that the stems of broccoli were a bit thicker. The cauliflower produced four heads, the fourth of which got icky, so I left it. The lettuce first went to seed and then produced abundantly, but it is eaten without being cooked, and I couldn't bring myself to eat it knowing that birds, squirrels, cats, and a little dog who jumped through the back fence all nuzzled up against it at one point or another.  The rainbow chard has been--and continues to be--very productive. And the broccoli/ni are at the end of their growing cycle, but we can't get near them. They are full of honey bees every day! So not only do broccoli produce cute yellow flowers, the bees love them! Who knew?

Three.

One of the best things about working from home is the need to make sure that we all stay active and the ability to follow through with it. We have, in addition to a front yard and a back yard, a wide, quiet street with a park at the end of it, and an equally wide, even quieter short street on the other side of the very narrow park. So every day this week, I've taken my children (now 23, 14, and 12) to the park to walk and bike. True, they don't need me. I guess I could let them go by themselves. But it's nice to be all together. And I need the exercise and the company more than I need the time to myself. It's been nice, and more than once I've wondered whether I might get a job that makes this life possible.

***

There. That wasn't so hard. The last one took me a minute, but not too long. Now let me go write that book... Or make supper, since we're not really eating out right now. I sure could go for a burger, though.

Lenten Booknotes 3: After Miscarriage by Karen Edmisten

Continuing my booknotes, I'm going to try to alternate After Miscarriage and Reflections on the Psalms. I have things to say about both, and I'm reluctant to write/post day after day on the topic of miscarriage, even though (or perhaps because) I think I am writing from an intellectual distance these days, looking back on what has been both an emotional and an intellectual journey. I hesitate to say a spiritual journey, though I have thoughts about the nature of God interwoven. Because I'm not sure, if the experience has carried me anywhere spiritually, that I understand the nature of the direction I'm heading. Which means, of course, that the next quote will be about spirituality, since I have just admitted that I'm feeling adrift. Perhaps this is part of the explanation of why.

***

The author explains that while it seems counterintuitive, asking others to pray for a baby is enriching for the other person, even if the baby is ultimately lost. One male friend of the author, reflecting on  praying with his wife for the author's baby, who would be lost, writes,

"Baby E. became a true epicenter of prayer. To live such a short time without sinning while fueling so much prayer is the stuff of saints." p. 14

Prayer is hard.

Prayer comes easiest to me, I think, when I have a routine with other people involved. Mass, obviously, but also praying with my children at night. Because I am trying to instill this in them, and now, having established it as a routine, I am able to remember, to do. There have been times in my life when, mostly fueled by fear of nightmares and poor sleep, I also repeated, verbatim, a personal prayer that was more or less for peace through the night. On the other hand, an ideal of mine is the kind of dialogue that Tevya has with God in Fiddler on the Roof, which seems to proceed from a certain kind of faith and a mental leap that I find admirable because it addresses God as real. Perhaps what is hard about prayer is that it sometimes feels like abstraction, which is a difficult feeling to fight through.

None of this has anything to do with the quote, except that the baby that I had and lost was--in a desperate, please-keep-these-nightmares-from-me kind of way, an epicenter of prayer. Fear is a powerful motivation, and while I didn't always think I was going to miscarry--I really thought I was going to still be pregnant now, or next month, or in August--I feared and expected it. And I did--I prayed for intercession. Mostly just a casual, "Please give me a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy"--but also a novena to St. Gerard--and even a special Mass with a blessing for the unborn and their families. This last was on the day that, I truly believe, the pregnancy ended. After leaving the ER at 3 a.m. a few days later to wait and see, having a pretty strong feeling that I was miscarrying, even if it couldn't be confirmed (there was only an empty gestational sac on the ultrasound, which might have meant there was a viable fetus that they couldn't see...), I stopped at the chapel--the same chapel where we had the blessing,and where I stood up for the first time and said publicly that I was pregnant--and prayed for peace.

I have never prayed so much in such a short period of time for one focused thing. I may never again. I don't usually fight in my mind against the things I see as inevitable, including death. In fact, most of the time I mourn for the person who is dying, or likely to die, in advance, and there is no mourning left in me by the time they die. I wonder if that means that I don't truly believe in miracles?

I attribute it, instead, to a kind of realism. Not wanting to fool myself. Which means pride, I guess.

I always understood that, being 43, I was more likely to miscarry than ever before in my life, but I held onto the most hopeful statistics and to the knowledge of every woman I have known (including my mother) to carry a healthy baby to term after 40. When I began to miscarry, I did feel like it was inevitable--after all, they say that in most cases, it does have to do with the viability of the fetus. So what was all of that prayer? What did I expect? A change of outcome?

Well, had an outcome changed, I wouldn't have known anyway. I guess the real benefit to my realism here is that I can't "blame God" for something that I wanted that simply wasn't going to be. I am not bitter--only observant--that I think the pregnancy ended on the day of the blessing. Perhaps that means that my baby was alive when she** received it. I can hope so.

This idea of the unborn baby--who lived a short while--as an epicenter of prayer resonates. If nothing else, she made me reach out to God in a focused way. If that has dropped away a bit for now, it was still a part of my life that I can remember, and build on. That would be appropriate for Lent. But I'm not sure I have it in me just yet. Still healing. Still wondering where I'm headed spiritually.



**There is no way to know if the baby was a girl, but I always expected her to be.

Lenten Booknote 2: Reflections on the Psalms, "Introductory"

I have read very little of C. S. Lewis's apologetics. I should perhaps say that I have read none of his apologetics, since I doubt that The Great Divorce and The Four Loves count as apologetics. My interest in Lewis has been in his fiction, primarily because I don't often enjoy reading apologetics, having come to Lewis as an innocent and rejected him when I was quasi-agnostic, and having come to Catholicism after becoming disillusioned with Lewis (but that's another story). Lewis gets preachy enough in his fiction. I didn't particularly want to delve into his apologetics, which after all are used in very touchy-feely and Protestant contexts, and the touchy-feely Protestants drove me to quasi-agnosticism in the first place. Sort of. I'm representing my younger self here, but I still have limited interest in apologetics--particularly by Lewis. Sometimes his way of expressing things just nettles me. Other times, of course, it's quite lovely.

I'm enjoying Lewis's Reflections on the Psalms, though I wish he had included more of the actual psalm in the text when he's making general or particular observations. I need to have them by my side for quick reference, and yet I chose his reflections exactly because I didn't have a handy little volume of psalms, and didn't quite know where to find one. I also read on Kindle when I'm not researching, and while I do have a Bible on my Kindle, it is cumbersome to switch back and forth to search for a particular poem. These things aside, I am enjoying the read, and from the beginning I have made notes on what interests me.

#1 - "For poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible."

Here, the context is helpful. In a two-paragraph sequence in which he discusses the parallelism which is, he contends, the psalms' most obvious poetic feature, one that is easily translated between languages and can therefore be seen as functioning purely didactically, Lewis chooses to stop and imagine the place of poetry in Creation:

"It seems to me appropriate, almost inevitable, that when that great Imagination which in the beginning, for Its own delight and for the delight of men and angels and (in their proper mode) of beasts, had invented and formed the whole world of Nature, submitted to express Itself in human speech, that speech should sometimes be poetry. For poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible." (p. 24)

Not only is the Word an incarnation (the Incarnation), Lewis says. Poetry is an incarnation. The manner of speech/communication is more or less embodied, tangible. The medium is, in fact, the message, and I'm feeling an undercurrent here of spoken vs. written language. And then we have the idea that the great Imagination is at work in the creation of poetry as a medium, and in the selection of poetry to be a part of the Word of God. A fascinating idea to think of God choosing a genre, and sometimes choosing poetry.

And then there's a sense in which that all of the explanation feels destructive, and I look back and revel a little in the beauty of the expression--"For poetry too is a little incarnation..." In this I hear almost an echo of Auden: "For poetry makes nothing happen..." I'm not entirely sure that the two are incompatible.

#2 - "A man can't always be defending truth; there must be a time to feed on it."

I admit that I was a little relieved to read, in Lewis's own words, that "this is not what is called an 'apologetic' work." I wonder, here, about his use of "apologetic," which seems to suggest "apologizing for," making an "apologetic" a "defense." That was certainly my first assumption about the meaning of the word, but as it was explained to me, "explanation" is a better approximation than "defense" or "apology." That's not the reason that this quote stood out to me, however.  Rather, I like the idea of having time to feed on it. Not even unpacking, which truly, is what Lewis is doing throughout the book. But feeding. Seeking nourishment, and also perhaps savoring. Though that's not in the quote, per se, I can't think of a man like Lewis eating without some kind of appreciation--not with what he's said about peas. Not "chewing on," either. "A time to feed on it." And that sounds particularly Lenten to me.

Lenten Booknote 1: After Miscarriage by Karen Edmisten

I've been jumping around in my Lenten reading so far. I started The Fifth Vital Sign the day before Lent began (Mardi Gras day, but that's hardly relevant). I started Reflections on the Psalms the day after Ash Wednesday. And then I started a book that my friend Melanie Bettinelli of The Wine Dark Sea sent to me as I was grappling with the aftermath of the early miscarriage of an unexpected pregnancy in January. (All of it was in January--the pregnancy and the miscarriage. But the experience can't be contained so neatly.) The book is After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's Companion to Healing & Hope by Karen Edmisten. I may someday write about the experience; for today, I want to start to write some of my responses to After Miscarriage. Perhaps these (relatively) quick booknotes will help me get into a writing routine and also sort out some thoughts about the experience itself.

***
#1 - "There's no evidence of it, but I'm a mother." p. 8

I have had many reactions while reading After Miscarriage, short though it is. Some are points of disagreement--mainly acknowledging that how I see the world, how I perceive God in many cases, is different from the ideas that the contributors (usually) express as part of their healing process. This is fine, and does not diminish the book for me. Those moments give me points to think about too, and I'll be working through those. But page 8 was my first really profound point of connection.

One of my disconnects with most of the writing I've seen about miscarriage is that so much of it comes from women who are grappling with infertility and the desire to have a child. Quite often it is the overwhelming burden of childlessness that brings grief as much as the loss of this particular child. This statement is the voice of a woman who longs for the children she seems and is unable to have--a mother who has suffered multiple losses and whose arms and womb are empty as a result. I differ because I have not been longing for another child--the baby we lost was very much a surprise, and difficult to process and adjust to, but nevertheless loved and longed for. Also, I already have children--three, one of whom is has grown to adulthood. It was very surreal to think about revisiting the earlier stages of life while also having one 12, one 14, and one 23. I have evidence that I am a mother.  And yet... this resonated. Strongly. Because one of my refrains has been, "I was pregnant. But I have nothing to show for it." I can't prove that I was pregnant.

Except... I actually can. It's not much, but it's all I have. On Saturday, January 4, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I never doubted it. I had been suspecting anyway. But it just seemed so... yes, the word is still "surreal." I just couldn't quite shake the feeling that it wasn't quite real, that I hadn't dreamed it somehow. So since it was a double pack (that I actually bought last May and never used), I took the second test, on January 14. And out of some odd, documentary impulse, I took a picture, so that I could look at it and think about it using a tangible sign. Only now does it occur to me how very Catholic that feels. Eleven days later, I would begin to bleed.

And now I don't have anything to show for it. I can prove I was pregnant, sort of--though I never did have that medical validation. It is readily apparent that I am a mother (something not every mother who has lost a pregnancy has). But right here, right now, after this pregnancy and the promise of this child, I have nothing. My husband said to me one night as I expressed this idea (and I sobbed--though I thought I was fine), "For a little while, we were the parents of four children."** But we can't prove it. There is nothing to show. And that feels important.



** - Just so no one quibbles over semantics, I do know that we are still the parents of four children. As much as I love words, they are sometimes quite inadequate to express the immensity of feeling, or the nuances of meaning.

Ash Wednesday Post

It is the first day of Lent. And I took a walk.

This in itself is not unusual. I have been trying to be more active for a good few years now, and have been taking fairly regular walks at least since last academic year, when I was out of work from May 2018-April 2019.

What was unusual is that instead of taking a walk for health (a given) and to try to process what was in my head, I tried not to process what was in my head. The sun was shining. The clouds had a tinge of grey to their underside but were otherwise bright and cottony. It was cold, and the air burned my nostrils and lungs. My hands stung. And above the noise of the cars coming and going, it was glorious.

I have had too much on my mind for years. So I want to try to give that up. Perhaps not to Google this or that ailment. Not to obsess about what major sin I might commit on a regular basis and just how bad the Church says it is. Maybe--just maybe--it does me more spiritual harm than good to obsess about it. Maybe I won't think about my job and my career and what it isn't and what it never will be, because that's not going to help anyone anyway.

I wrote on Facebook this morning:

I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent.

Is this working yet?

And that's the joke. Of course it's not working.

So what will I do? I did two things. I downloaded an app--Noteworthy. It is a notes app, but it has the ability to set an alarm for each note. I have not set the alarm yet. Maybe I won't need to. But I filled it up with six prayers, that I will try to turn to when I begin to obsess. From various internet sources, here they are:

Prayer #1 – Your Peace

God, who is more than we can ever comprehend,

help us to seek you and you alone.

Help us to stand before all that we could do

and seek what you would do, and do that.

Lift from us our need to achieve all that we can be,

and instead surrender to what you can be in us.

Give us ways to refrain from the busyness

that will put us on edge and off center,

give us today your peace.

Prayer #2 – Inner Peace

Lord, please put Your peace in my heart.

I'm worried and anxious.

My mind races and obsesses.

I can't help thinking about my problems.

And the more I think about them,

the more depressed I become.

I feel like I'm sinking down in quicksand

and can't get out.

Calm me, Lord.

Slow me down, put Your peace in my heart.

No matter what problem I have, Lord,

You are bigger,

You are more powerful than it is.

So I bring my problem to You.

I know what I want.

I know my will.

I do not know Yours.

I do not know how You will use this problem for my salvation.

I do not know what good You will work out from this evil.

But I trust You.

I trust Your goodness and Your wisdom.

So I place myself in Your hands.

Please fill my heart with peace.

Prayer #3 – Whittier, Peace and Calm

Dear Lord and Father of humankind,

Forgive our foolish ways;

Reclothe us in our rightful mind,

In purer lives Thy service find,

In deeper reverence, praise.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,

Till all our strivings cease;

Take from our souls the strain and stress,

And let our ordered lives confess

The beauty of Thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire

Thy coolness and Thy balm;

Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;

Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,

O still, small voice of calm.

Prayer #4 – St. Theresa of Avila

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing;

God only is changeless.

Patience gains all things.

Who has God wants nothing.

God alone suffices.

Prayer #5 – To Let Go

Dear God,

I let go of my need to be perfect, and I let You fill me with Your perfect love.

I let go of my ideas of fulfillment, and I let You fill me with what I truly desire.

I let go of what I think of myself, and I let You define my worth.

I let go of what others think of me, and I let You tell me who I am to You.

I let go of my appearance, and I let You shine through me.

I let go of my unreasonable standards, and I let You work through me.

I let go of my will for my life, and I let You reveal Your plan for me.

I let go of all of my past sins, and I let You forgive me.

I let go of my reliance on myself, and I let You be my Redeemer.

I let go of how I view others, and I let You love them through me.

Prayer #6 – For Peace of Mind and Heart

Eternal, Holy God,

I come to you burdened with worries,

fears, doubts, and troubles.

Calm and quiet me with peace of mind.

Empty me of the anxiety that disturbs me,

of the concerns that weary my spirit,

and weigh heavy on my heart.

Loosen my grip on the disappointments and grievances

I hold on to so tightly.

Release me from the pain of past hurts,

of present anger and tension, of future fears.

Renew me spiritually and emotionally.

Give me new strength, hope, and confidence.

Prepare me to meet the constant struggles of daily life

with a deeper faith and trust in You.

Let your love set me free, for peace,

for joy, for grace, for life, for others, forever.

Step one of not obsessing, perhaps, is not to worry about their authenticity, and not to look up the exact title of the Whittier poem. Not to verify that St. Theresa of Avila actually did write those lines. It doesn't matter. They are for me.

The second thing I did (that first one had a couple of parts--not obsessing) was to take a walk. And I tried to really do that "mindfulness" thing, which is yoga and New Age and whatever, but also valuable and healing. Thoughts intruded, like, "hey, I'm going to type these things up and actually post them to the blog!" and "I will describe breathing in the cold air just like this." I did not, however, criticize myself for the cliché. How's that for not obsessing?

The third thing I plan to do is to switch my reading material in a rather counterintuitive way. I had already decided to do this; it's related to what I've been doing the past few years. I take a break from purely escapist reads--the kind of thing that keeps me from thinking--and switch to literature with more substance, things that I can mull over a bit. Yesterday I worked a bit on a tentative list. Today, I realized that substantive reading, the kinds of things I can mull over, actually keep the mind occupied, and prevent me from obsessing. I knew this once, but I forgot it. I rediscover it once a year, but this time more deliberately.

My (tentative) list (of works to choose from; I won't read them all, I'm sure):

The Fifth Vital Sign: Master Your Cycles and Optimize Your Fertility by Lisa Hendrickson-Jack

This is necessary for me right now. I need a refresher on NFP/Fertility Awareness principles. My confidence is shaken and I'm completely shattered after an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I chart. I know the basics. But I've grown complacent and relied on apps and I just need to read up on the signs. This book is also encouraging because it tells me things I need to know: if your menstrual cycle falls outside of certain parameters, there's something going on in your body that needs to be diagnosed. On the other hand, if there is something going wrong in your body, your cycle will reflect that. The wisdom here: if there's something wrong with your body, your body will tell you and you won't have to guess and fear and panic. I do a lot of guessing and fearing and panicking. This is my first read by default, and it's a thoroughly secular, fast read.

Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen

I'm not looking for marriage advice, but I have been gathering Church teaching (especially historical Church teaching) on marriage for a while. I have been working off and on on Tolkien and marriage (or marriage in Tolkien) for a few years now, and I have a book contract! It's bound to be instructive to read what Fulton Sheen had to say, particularly since I haven't read him before and he's something of a big deal, as I understand it.

In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden

 Godden showed up on more than one list of "novels to read during Lent," which was my starting place--I didn't want spiritual self-help or devotional texts. This one and Five for Sorrow, Ten for Joy popped up. I know that Godden's work was the basis for the film Black Narcissus, so I expect something beautiful and perhaps haunting or disturbing. I selected Brede because Five For Sorrow seemed potential too sordid--too much like something I might read because it's a little bit sordid. A friend mentioned that I might want to be aware that there is a sub-plot involving child loss, but somehow that strengthens by resolve. I was also swayed by the fact that it's available through Kindle Unlimited, so I don't have to buy it unless I really want to.

Reflections on the Psalms by C. S. Lewis

This is an odd choice because it has that devotional/religious self-help component that I was convinced I didn't want. This one actually seems to be one of those engineered collections of Lewis's works that is marketed specifically to "Christian readers who want X from C. S. Lewis." But it is a very convenient package. And really, what I wanted was a small volume of a poetic but still Catholic translation of the psalms, so that I might appreciate their beauty. But I figured that whatever C. S. Lewis has to say about them is the next best thing, really.

Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schomperlen

I believe I found this one and the next on a "Lenten reads" list. This one seems not to be entirely fiction--or it slips into memoir, but is written as fiction. It is another that is entirely secular, in spite of its subject. It even slips into predictable "Mary-as-goddess" territory at least once, according to my friend Melanie, who was very ambivalent about the book. But it seems to be a book of searching and working things out, and maybe never getting there. I like those.  

 Eifelheim by Michael Flynn

Between my conflicted feelings about this one and the contradictory (but mainly glowing) reviews I've had from people whose opinions I trust, I should probably read this one first. It sounds like it has a fair amount of morality to chew on, and I feel conflicted about that. It sounds like it has a lot of SFF world- and race-building, and I feel conflicted about that. I mean, I want spiritual substance, and I love SFF, so where's the problem? I should just jump in and see if there is any problem, and call it done. But something stops me...

Maybe if I read some books, I'll blog about some books. We'll see. I'm not making promises because promises and discipline don't work out so well for me. But I will read. I always read. And maybe, just maybe, I can keep myself from obsessing and grow in some kind of important way.