Ash Wednesday Post

It is the first day of Lent. And I took a walk.

This in itself is not unusual. I have been trying to be more active for a good few years now, and have been taking fairly regular walks at least since last academic year, when I was out of work from May 2018-April 2019.

What was unusual is that instead of taking a walk for health (a given) and to try to process what was in my head, I tried not to process what was in my head. The sun was shining. The clouds had a tinge of grey to their underside but were otherwise bright and cottony. It was cold, and the air burned my nostrils and lungs. My hands stung. And above the noise of the cars coming and going, it was glorious.

I have had too much on my mind for years. So I want to try to give that up. Perhaps not to Google this or that ailment. Not to obsess about what major sin I might commit on a regular basis and just how bad the Church says it is. Maybe--just maybe--it does me more spiritual harm than good to obsess about it. Maybe I won't think about my job and my career and what it isn't and what it never will be, because that's not going to help anyone anyway.

I wrote on Facebook this morning:

I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent. I will not obsess this Lent.

Is this working yet?

And that's the joke. Of course it's not working.

So what will I do? I did two things. I downloaded an app--Noteworthy. It is a notes app, but it has the ability to set an alarm for each note. I have not set the alarm yet. Maybe I won't need to. But I filled it up with six prayers, that I will try to turn to when I begin to obsess. From various internet sources, here they are:

Prayer #1 – Your Peace

God, who is more than we can ever comprehend,

help us to seek you and you alone.

Help us to stand before all that we could do

and seek what you would do, and do that.

Lift from us our need to achieve all that we can be,

and instead surrender to what you can be in us.

Give us ways to refrain from the busyness

that will put us on edge and off center,

give us today your peace.

Prayer #2 – Inner Peace

Lord, please put Your peace in my heart.

I'm worried and anxious.

My mind races and obsesses.

I can't help thinking about my problems.

And the more I think about them,

the more depressed I become.

I feel like I'm sinking down in quicksand

and can't get out.

Calm me, Lord.

Slow me down, put Your peace in my heart.

No matter what problem I have, Lord,

You are bigger,

You are more powerful than it is.

So I bring my problem to You.

I know what I want.

I know my will.

I do not know Yours.

I do not know how You will use this problem for my salvation.

I do not know what good You will work out from this evil.

But I trust You.

I trust Your goodness and Your wisdom.

So I place myself in Your hands.

Please fill my heart with peace.

Prayer #3 – Whittier, Peace and Calm

Dear Lord and Father of humankind,

Forgive our foolish ways;

Reclothe us in our rightful mind,

In purer lives Thy service find,

In deeper reverence, praise.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,

Till all our strivings cease;

Take from our souls the strain and stress,

And let our ordered lives confess

The beauty of Thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire

Thy coolness and Thy balm;

Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;

Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,

O still, small voice of calm.

Prayer #4 – St. Theresa of Avila

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing;

God only is changeless.

Patience gains all things.

Who has God wants nothing.

God alone suffices.

Prayer #5 – To Let Go

Dear God,

I let go of my need to be perfect, and I let You fill me with Your perfect love.

I let go of my ideas of fulfillment, and I let You fill me with what I truly desire.

I let go of what I think of myself, and I let You define my worth.

I let go of what others think of me, and I let You tell me who I am to You.

I let go of my appearance, and I let You shine through me.

I let go of my unreasonable standards, and I let You work through me.

I let go of my will for my life, and I let You reveal Your plan for me.

I let go of all of my past sins, and I let You forgive me.

I let go of my reliance on myself, and I let You be my Redeemer.

I let go of how I view others, and I let You love them through me.

Prayer #6 – For Peace of Mind and Heart

Eternal, Holy God,

I come to you burdened with worries,

fears, doubts, and troubles.

Calm and quiet me with peace of mind.

Empty me of the anxiety that disturbs me,

of the concerns that weary my spirit,

and weigh heavy on my heart.

Loosen my grip on the disappointments and grievances

I hold on to so tightly.

Release me from the pain of past hurts,

of present anger and tension, of future fears.

Renew me spiritually and emotionally.

Give me new strength, hope, and confidence.

Prepare me to meet the constant struggles of daily life

with a deeper faith and trust in You.

Let your love set me free, for peace,

for joy, for grace, for life, for others, forever.

Step one of not obsessing, perhaps, is not to worry about their authenticity, and not to look up the exact title of the Whittier poem. Not to verify that St. Theresa of Avila actually did write those lines. It doesn't matter. They are for me.

The second thing I did (that first one had a couple of parts--not obsessing) was to take a walk. And I tried to really do that "mindfulness" thing, which is yoga and New Age and whatever, but also valuable and healing. Thoughts intruded, like, "hey, I'm going to type these things up and actually post them to the blog!" and "I will describe breathing in the cold air just like this." I did not, however, criticize myself for the cliché. How's that for not obsessing?

The third thing I plan to do is to switch my reading material in a rather counterintuitive way. I had already decided to do this; it's related to what I've been doing the past few years. I take a break from purely escapist reads--the kind of thing that keeps me from thinking--and switch to literature with more substance, things that I can mull over a bit. Yesterday I worked a bit on a tentative list. Today, I realized that substantive reading, the kinds of things I can mull over, actually keep the mind occupied, and prevent me from obsessing. I knew this once, but I forgot it. I rediscover it once a year, but this time more deliberately.

My (tentative) list (of works to choose from; I won't read them all, I'm sure):

The Fifth Vital Sign: Master Your Cycles and Optimize Your Fertility by Lisa Hendrickson-Jack

This is necessary for me right now. I need a refresher on NFP/Fertility Awareness principles. My confidence is shaken and I'm completely shattered after an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I chart. I know the basics. But I've grown complacent and relied on apps and I just need to read up on the signs. This book is also encouraging because it tells me things I need to know: if your menstrual cycle falls outside of certain parameters, there's something going on in your body that needs to be diagnosed. On the other hand, if there is something going wrong in your body, your cycle will reflect that. The wisdom here: if there's something wrong with your body, your body will tell you and you won't have to guess and fear and panic. I do a lot of guessing and fearing and panicking. This is my first read by default, and it's a thoroughly secular, fast read.

Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen

I'm not looking for marriage advice, but I have been gathering Church teaching (especially historical Church teaching) on marriage for a while. I have been working off and on on Tolkien and marriage (or marriage in Tolkien) for a few years now, and I have a book contract! It's bound to be instructive to read what Fulton Sheen had to say, particularly since I haven't read him before and he's something of a big deal, as I understand it.

In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden

 Godden showed up on more than one list of "novels to read during Lent," which was my starting place--I didn't want spiritual self-help or devotional texts. This one and Five for Sorrow, Ten for Joy popped up. I know that Godden's work was the basis for the film Black Narcissus, so I expect something beautiful and perhaps haunting or disturbing. I selected Brede because Five For Sorrow seemed potential too sordid--too much like something I might read because it's a little bit sordid. A friend mentioned that I might want to be aware that there is a sub-plot involving child loss, but somehow that strengthens by resolve. I was also swayed by the fact that it's available through Kindle Unlimited, so I don't have to buy it unless I really want to.

Reflections on the Psalms by C. S. Lewis

This is an odd choice because it has that devotional/religious self-help component that I was convinced I didn't want. This one actually seems to be one of those engineered collections of Lewis's works that is marketed specifically to "Christian readers who want X from C. S. Lewis." But it is a very convenient package. And really, what I wanted was a small volume of a poetic but still Catholic translation of the psalms, so that I might appreciate their beauty. But I figured that whatever C. S. Lewis has to say about them is the next best thing, really.

Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schomperlen

I believe I found this one and the next on a "Lenten reads" list. This one seems not to be entirely fiction--or it slips into memoir, but is written as fiction. It is another that is entirely secular, in spite of its subject. It even slips into predictable "Mary-as-goddess" territory at least once, according to my friend Melanie, who was very ambivalent about the book. But it seems to be a book of searching and working things out, and maybe never getting there. I like those.  

 Eifelheim by Michael Flynn

Between my conflicted feelings about this one and the contradictory (but mainly glowing) reviews I've had from people whose opinions I trust, I should probably read this one first. It sounds like it has a fair amount of morality to chew on, and I feel conflicted about that. It sounds like it has a lot of SFF world- and race-building, and I feel conflicted about that. I mean, I want spiritual substance, and I love SFF, so where's the problem? I should just jump in and see if there is any problem, and call it done. But something stops me...

Maybe if I read some books, I'll blog about some books. We'll see. I'm not making promises because promises and discipline don't work out so well for me. But I will read. I always read. And maybe, just maybe, I can keep myself from obsessing and grow in some kind of important way.